The other day (sometime last week), Bryan Tracy told us (Me, Dan “The Man” Laury & John “Baby D” Tice) the most important thingy he heard from Jason “Why Can We Not Be Sober” Tjalsma. It is as follows: Bryan was having trouble with his girlfriend, and didn’t really know what to do. Jason, in his unfounded and untold and ever-knowing wisdom says this: “All you need to do is take a shit in the middle of her room. Whenever she leaves the room, seize the moment and pull down your pants and take a shit. When she comes back, be like: ‘What? Yeah that’s right. I took a shit in your room. What are you gonna do about it huh?’ Then Jackie will be like, ‘Well I guess you’re right. You DID take a shit in my room.’ Everything will be better from that point on.” (These aren’t exact quotes but you get the picture).

I, on the other hand, think that I have taken a much more important and vital piece of wisdom from the legend aka Doctor Claw. It also serves to describe one of my best friends even better than the above quote: (Said in a sloshy tone while staggering, perhaps knocking things down) “I’ll be drunk for the rest of my life!” (drunken emphasis on life, for the full effect, get me drunk and I’ll try to recreate such a special anecdote for you as well).

Jason, though you may not return my calls, though you may be romping around with some girl in sacramento, and though you may hate the Zephyr song by RHCP (I like it, but it has bad memories for me too), you will remain one of my closest and best friends.
I drink this small amount of liquor in honor of you. If you’re reading this (doubtful), know that I hella respect you, and it would be my honor to get fucked up with you.

And this (2nd) vicodon is for Bryan, cuz he always downed em.

OH SHIT THIS JUST IN FROM VISCANT’S AWAY MSG
It’s really sweaty inside this apartment.
And it’s pretty hot too.
…And considering as how I’m sitting here alone, I’ve just terrified you.
Mission complete, going to sleep.
WOW SIMPLY AMAZING!

And remember, He-hey! I’m batman too huh? AHHHHHHHH!