Something I saw today is making me feel like crap. Knots in the stomach, sweaty/tingly extremities, and propensity to cry at slight emotional instability. I must be syncing up or something… Sigh.
Someone once told me, “You paralyze yourself when shit goes wrong, so that you’re unable to get up and make it right”. Looking back at my blogger-days posts, I can see myself beating myself up so hard over shit like this. When it comes to intrapersonal stuff, I have a lotta deep, dark wounds, which I try to hide with wit & sarcasm & aloofness. When something got through those defenses though, I shut down. Hard.
These days, I feel as if I’ve made some progress–at least mentally, but I still get that physical/emotional hangover. And this event hits really close to home. Blah. Said I’d stop writing self-indulgent posts like this after blogger. I guess I just don’t know when to stop sometimes.
Gotta Get up, move on, and make it right. It’s the only way. To survive.
On a tangentially related note, I was reading the blog of one of my few frenemies yesterday. Turns out he had a lonely, shitty birthday on the 5th, and he has no real friends. I saw the title and thought I’d feel good readin’ the post, especially after the way he treated me the same day many years ago:
While b-day boy and all the cool kids (i.e. everyone else) were locked in his room laughin’ and havin’ a ball, I was sittin’ in the livin’ room babysitting his two elementary school brothers. I asked if I could come in, to which everyone replied, “NO.” Even homeboy’s mom ignored me and didn’t even look at me as she passed by to take snacks & sodas upstairs.
I have never forgotten how lonely, out of the loop, and plain shitty I felt that day. This experience, along with my first heartbreak still gives me hella insecurities and make up the biggest of my aforementioned wounds. Simple things such as not gettin’ a call back from someone can lead me to thinking that everyone hates me and I have no friends. So while I never wish ill on anyone, with this guy, I thought I’d be happy to see some karma in action.
I’m not. I pity him and his square head.
Fucking life. Fucking karma.
I’m sorry. It was wrong of me to do that.